Fungi Child

In the depth of 5 grams there I found my 5 year old inner child, trapped beneath the overwhelmed, overworked and tired Mama, wife, daughter, friend and professional facades. A misunderstood face of rejection and loneliness, she was ugly but cute, obnoxious and endearing. Sweeping her into my arms I made a choice to forgo the familiar sensation of victimhood and claim ownership of this neglected piece of myself. To “rest and heal” was the aim as I rose up and gave myself permission to do it different - no eyeshades, no playlist, no breathing deeply into the pain in a closed, protected container. I pulled out a box of crayons, sat on the bare grass in the sunshine and started tracing the fractals. The pressure and anxiety to “draw something” served the continuous reminder that there was nothing to achieve in this moment, but put color to canvas. There was no shape, configuration, order or form to the flow of childhood memories and the cleansing tears washing down my face. I loved coloring so much as a child, and sculpting, dancing, knitting, needlepoint, writing and playing music - my entire world was deemed on creation. It was a space free of criticism, dismissal, oppression, toxicity or need for approval, truly a haven to explore my magnificent consciousness without constriction. A place where my inner beauty shone, my song heard loud and clear, and the divine flowed to express genuine energy. Over the years, drifting further away from my truth and into the tantalizing jaws of cultural/societal expectation this sanctuary was lost. This psychedelic journey clearly showed me: it is time to love and nurture my inner child by creating the space for her to exist unconditionally. She is as valid as the adult roles I chose to own, in fact she is the core of my consciousness - the untainted, pure, whole and high Self. We can WORK by swimming in the abyss of the shadow, sifting through the discomfort, releasing unserving behaviors and setting new goals of mastery; and we can BE by embodying the light. And if we’re unsure as to what that looks like - just make room for it to emerge. So this week this workaholic committed to 20+ minutes/day of coloring; I’m finding it to be an act of self love and service that fills my cup so much, and now feeling able to give more to others, more energetic and I use my time more efficiently. In place of filling up every moment of the day with to-do’s, have a dedicated time where you allow yourself expression without expectation. It doesn’t have to look like anything at all. Without imposing our attachments to the limitations of outcomes, who knows the universal knowledge, wisdom, purpose and bank of miracles that can emerge. Just play.